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What if 3am just stopped. Everything stopped. All the ticking time. All the movement. 3am. It’s weird. If you stopped time at 3am and I was the only one awake. That’s what it feels like. That’s what this isolation feels like. I’m talking. I’m conversing. I’m telling to much information. I’m not lying. I love and hate 3am. I wrote poem. No I didn’t. I’m lying. I’m writing a poem at this very moment.

If we both woke up at 3am.

We could enjoy each other.

We could be together.

We could walk and pass no one.

We could talk with no concern for who hears.

I wish you were here to walk with me at 3am.

The version of you you were when we met.

Not the version of you you are now.

You took my heart.

You devalued my soul.

You believed your own lies about me.

Because you built the wall.

Before we even met.

It was started for you.

But you continued building.

Now, I’m broke.

Now, I’m up at 3am.

And I’ll never see you the same.

We could have walked further together.

To the end of time.

But time didn’t stop for us.

And 3am will come and go.

Thank you for walking with me a little while.

Now go and never mistreat anyone as you did me.

I’m not your victim.

But I’m not unharmed.

Be peace.

I find it very common that at the first sign of bad behavior in the eyes of the opposite gender you are immediately shut down from any further communication. And you can’t call it out. You can’t say. Hey that’s an unfair assessment. You can say. Maybe you have to accept a little bit to get what you want. I’m not a bad man. But I have been rejected over and over due to an infraction that I thought well it’s time for that behavior now or I was nervous ans had three beers instead of two. I don’t get it. Do you want perfection? If you’re looking for bad behavior it’s not difficult to find in me or anyone else. I’m basically done trying. No more. I’ll enjoy my friends. I’ll pack my crap and say no more dating in 2025. Don’t say that’s a good thing either. Not your call or judgement and your opinion doesn’t matter. Please. I love you. But it’s not fair to tell someone looking for connection that it’ll come when you least expect it. Or if it’s meant to be. Bullcrap. There’s effort and there’s apathy. That’s apathy. That’s something. But it certainly isn’t what I consider an effective balance of value and confidence. I did so much in my marriage. I was not appreciated for it and I was told it wasn’t enough. Then the resentment built up. Like she built it. I didn’t. Shit. She’s got problems too.

I mean. Why not? It’s on in the background while I post to Facebook and here. OK, Bye.

I’ve had a several stressful run-ins with fake people. I mean, they seemed real, but they weren’t actually authentic empathetic or logical. It made me seem crazy, but I’m not crazy. I was crazy once. They locked me in a room a rubber room with rats. The rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. The rats make me crazy.

I’m not real sure when I heard the above, but I’m sure it was in high school. It’s a fun way to talk about being crazy. We were. Except we weren’t. We liked to be fake crazy. I like to be fake rude or fake angry and get into fake fights by the way. Good stress relieve. You’ll no I’m being fake because I actually don’t want to be any of those things. It’s hard to tell. I know.

Some people are just difficult. I don’t want to deal with them. There’s some that I will deal with out of necessity and proximity to a goal. I don’t know. It’s early. I’m awake and typing at the computer. I should make a pot of coffee. Some say I write good. Well, not right now. I’m going back to bed.

This is what it is. You know at the end of some tv shows the main character is writing in a journal and they narrate the journal to end the episode. Two shows that I can think of that did this, Sex in the City and Doogie Howser M.D. This is this blog. I’m just the end of the episode narrator talking about lessons learned over the course of the episode and you’re reading it. Like a dummy. Actually, I don’t think anyone is reading this. Crazy? I was crazy once.

I don’t know what to say about today, but it was good. I felt like crap most of it. I’ve been battling lingering affects from taking 3 vaccines at once. But it was a good day. I took like 5 showers. TMI? Maybe, but I have a nice shower head. It’s perfect. Good pressure and coverage. I don’t know what else to say, but as Ice Cube says, today was a good day.

I refuse to believe this life is nothing more than a test of our faith and love toward a creator that both loves and cares for us, but will punish us if we step out of line or don’t obey or make mistakes. The sacrificial atonement makes no sense to me either, but I don’t think I can explain it.

There’s go to be more to it. There’s got to be more to this life than that.

As a thought experiment, I wondered, what if God is actually malevolent? The Bible (a book compiled by man that says it’s breathed by God 2 Timothy 3:16) says that God is so good that we can’t even look at him. (Exodus 33:20)

It seems to make more sense to me that God is a malevolent child that wanted to create suffering. Even suffering that made no fucking sense. Tidal waves or childhood leukemia or the holocaust. If you live in a world of empathy, none of those things make sense. There’s no physical in nature reason for those things to exist. There’s physical reasons for a tidal way, but there’s no benefit. What’s the benefit of a tidal wave? What’s the benefit of childhood leukemia? Or the Holocaust? Or any one of the many genocides. The Holocaust being the most recent and the best example of evil we have. Hitler is now a name synonymous with evil. We don’t say “Mao Zedong” is the most evil, but he killed so much more than Hitler.

It just doesn’t make sense any of it. I want to write more. I need to read more actually. I’m not struggling with anything no one else has struggled. Ugh. Nothin new under da sun.

This video made a lot of sense to me. And it eyes wide open scares me. And it makes me believe there’s a God more but we don’t know him. The Bible may be more man-made-up-stories than we’re told to believe.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTY4mLHpg

What if God was just malevolent and good at the same time? All good and all bad. If he controlled everything that would make more sense. I’ve heard it said that evil/death is just the absence of God. How does that make sense? Did we shove him out? That’s just as stupid as believing that just because prayer isn’t in schools that’s why we’re having so many massacres of children in school. Don’t you see how stupid that connection really is? Who’s God are you praying?? You all can’t be right or wrong at the same time. The Christian God, of course, that’s what they want. They want the Christian God to be taught in schools and what’s ironic is these are the same people that believe the Government can’t enforce any religion. They just mean, not their religion. It’s a stupid black and white argument to say that “god” forced one thing to happen because he’s not being placed in everything. That kind of faith isn’t my kind of faith.

I want a personal relationship with the Creator, but I want to understand the relationship. I want to know that I’m worshipping the true God and not just because of where and when I was born. He’s not here guiding me. I just do what I do. And in the end I don’t understand it. It’s confusing the shit out of me. DJT. The worship of DJT. I’m all fucked up. The people that voted for him might even think he’s the anti-Christ, but they are bringing about the end-times by voting for him. Fucking shit! Do you now think god needs your help? Shit! Make it make sense. Anyway, it’s DJT’s stupid rise to power that has made me question everything I believe.

End times. Fuck that. You want to know when the end times are going to happen? Fucking look at all the other end-times that didn’t happen then worry about it, because you can’t! You can’t be honest and worry about that shit. It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is you. Everyone matters. You included. Assholes. If you contemplated when BLM was prominently out there, if you contemplated, well, my life matters too! Fuck off please. That’s stupid. Anyway. I’m so sick of not feeling right. Like I’m not getting it. Like I don’t understand anything that everyone else understands. Maybe they are ignorant. I don’t like thinking that at all. I’m ignorant to something and maybe it’s just that I shouldn’t think about the things I think about and I should just leave them alone. The thoughts of a malevolent God being the first to go.

The sacrificial atonement

If we needed atonement, why even create us? To show his glory? Why? If we’re made in God’s image why doesn’t God have duality? Why is He all good and we are all bad? Doesn’t that sound like an abusive spouse? Why is it only “the duality of man” that we speak about. You can’t question God? Why? Am I committing the terrible sin? Sin is lawlessness (1 John 3:4) but is it a sin also that time I smoked a cigarette when I was 15 and under age or found that dirty magazine and jerked off? What the fuck is sin?? Is it sinful to be gay? The right says it is. My family says it’s a choice and it’s never not a choice! Ok, but did you choose to be heterosexual? The same feelings of heterosexual are in the homosexual people too. You can’t have your “non-choice” be someone else’s “choice.” It doesn’t work that way.

I like the thought that as a believer you can do anything (1 Corinthians 10:22-24), but not everything is beneficial. It’s like a rumspringa perpetually. Forever. I don’t get it! I don’t get it at all! LOL>

Why was the punishment for my sins and everyone else’s satisfied with a three day death? If I died without it, would I be dead for three days? No, I would be dead forever. How is that sacrificial atonement equal? It doesn’t have to be equal? Yes it does! We’re running a Ponzi scheme here or something! A spiritual Ponzi scheme.

I often wonder if I am a good man. A high value man. I think I am, but there’s just things that hold me back. Is the fact that I’ve not accepted being rejected on the first mistake a sign that I’m a good man or is it a sign that I’m a bad man that I made the first mistake? I sounded different to one girl on the phone and she catastrophized from there. I thought I was flirting with another and said something a little too personal. She took it to mean I meant right now or something and just stopped talking. I even sent her flowers (a bad thing to do probably knowing now how long I had been talking with her) as an apology. Shit, time is blending together. I have no idea what day it is almost anymore. But that’s not the point.

How am I supposed to act? I’m lost. I used to have a home and a family and kids that I could play with almost any time I wanted. I took care of the house. I did things I thought would make my wife happy. I tried. Really I tried. But she rejected me. She saw my insecurities and my weakness and threw me away. She also worked in her own world to devalue and disrespect me and that’s what I never want to allow again. If a woman can’t value and respect me from the start. If she insults my behaviors and asks me to change them even if she’s asking me to change them for myself, I won’t accept that anymore. If a woman drops me at the slightest offense or takes what I say with bad intent, the sayonara. I’d rather talk to myself than ever talk to a woman that treats me this way. It’s not pride. It’s just I need to not ever argue with (be at odds with, have a non-peaceful discussion with) another woman for the rest of my life. If that means I’ll be alone. Then so be it.

I suppose I’ll just yell at the people leaving their dog’s shit in the grass in front of my apartment. Seems I may need a new outlet for my anger and prejudice.

I don’t think I’m a good man. I think I’m an excellent man that hasn’t found anyone outside of work or friendship that thinks the same. How can all my friendships work or otherwise be going so well, but my affection / closeness / romantic based relationships all fail. I’m 51 (almost 52) I’ve had close romantic relationships with only 3 women. I married 2 of them. I feel I’m a good partner, but I have no evidence to base it on. I seem to be picking the wrong women.

I’ve heard the solution to this is to BE the right person. I don’t know if I can do that either. I feel I’m almost the best I can be. That’s probably the saddest sentence I’ve ever written. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I like who I am. Writing. Thinking. Talking. Joking. Laughing. Focused on my projects. Doing what I can and within my control. I’ve tried to be better physically. I was so focused I couldn’t do it for a long amount of time.

I’ve been generalizing a lot. One generalization that I’ve been making that is pretty insensitive is “women.” Like I’ll complain about reactions that I’m getting where I did what I was doing at the time (just being myself and not “on” all the time) or I said something that I thought was the right thing to do, but turns out, from her perspective it wasn’t where she was. I get that. I thought it was the right thing to do. How do you get to the next level with a woman? How do you take it from “hey, we’re friends and are talking” to “hey, we might like being closer.” It used to be easier. It used to come naturally. Maybe because I accepted just whoever showed interest. I’m out by the way. I’m not going to deal cards anymore. Just protect my peace. I think I want to do that, but I also don’t like hiding. Let’s not hide, but find what I can do without involving the hope of more than friends with a person of the opposite gender.

I think there’s some ways to be along the spectrum of happy sad.

1. Happy Despite the Circumstance
2. Happy Because of the Circumstance
3. Sad Because of the Circumstance
4. Sad Despite the Circumstance

This is a generalization.

Happy despite the circumstance means you’re pretty powerful. You usually are crazy and hollering on a street corner, but you’re happy. I guess.

Happy because of the circumstance. This is dangerous. Circumstances change.

The cat isn’t letting me write. Will finish later.