I wish there was an easy button for a lot of things. Sleeping mainly right now. It’s 4am. I woke up at 3.
I didn’t think this would be easy actually. Growing requires pain, but pain and growth aren’t exclusive to one another. Just because I’m in pain, doesn’t mean I’m growing. Pain can exist without growth. Growth can’t exist without a little pain at least. I think that’s the scary part. How do you know if you’re growing? I’m done physically growing. At least that I know of. I don’t think I can get any bigger. How do you know if you’re growing emotionally? Do you protect your peace more? Maybe. That’s a big thing for me right now. I’m not sure I’m succeeding. I need more peace. I have to protect what I have.
I let someone go that meant a lot to me in order to protect my peace. She couldn’t acknowledge that I meant a lot to her in return. She just couldn’t say it. That’s all I wanted. Some acknowledgement of friendship. Verbal. The actions matter, but the actions weren’t lining up quite right either. We were friends in the past. Drifted / ran away from each other. I think she ran away from me and I just let her. She came back after we both had similar life experience. I thought that meant we could try again. It didn’t. I got the same feeling I did in the past. She couldn’t express herself. She didn’t even feel like a friend. If she touched me, I felt like it was an accident or even a momentary lapse of letting her walls down. She is beautiful. I miss her smile. I wanted to hold her. I thought she was the one, but she didn’t make me feel peace. She wanted to control the situation with apathy. Fuck apathy. If you fucking want something fucking say it! Fucking go after it. Apathy only means you don’t care. That’s all. ATW You broke my heart twice with your apathy.
I do like this funny flag though.
PS. I think she didn’t really like me all that much. She said “I’ve been very clear that I don’t want to date and we’re only going to be friends.” then she’d say “I want someone to be friends only for a long time then marry. That’s what would work for me.” This is a peace stealing person. Conflicting messaging.