I say it, but it’s been tough nights lately. I don’t have any company. I’ve found company in long lost friends and in new friends, but nothing compares to what I had before. What I lost. Nothing. It was difficult. I sat on the couch most nights while the rest of my family enjoyed the bed room. I drank a lot while sitting on the couch alone. I always felt weird going out to the garage after 8pm to get another beer. I’d walk past the bedroom door and feel her hate. The beer helped not to care. She wasn’t nice. She pretended to be nice. But she wasn’t. She never offered to come sit with me. She never encouraged anything other than hoarding all the love to herself. Then blamed me with “I’m the only parent” This is her speaking to me. It hurt. I didn’t know what to do. I asked. I asked permission. Like I was the kid. I’ve been gone all day. I was away from the house. She was there. She should be able to be an adult and communicate what’s going on. Tell me how I can help. But she expected me to read her mind. “I shouldn’t have to ask!” is the most common thing I heard. What the hell did she expect me to do? Run around and just start doing whatever came to mind?? Oh look, there’s dust on the blinds. I’ll do that even though I’ve been away all day. Will that make you happy dear?? Fuck off. If you want something done, just ask. I’m happy to help. I would have lifted the house if that would have made her resent me less. Anyway. I felt it was immature. Like I’m suppose to know. Her family backed her up. That was the shitty part. Everyone was telling her that I’m a shitty husband. Or at least not defending me. I was less of a husband because I couldn’t read her mind. I didn’t have the routine. I had my routine. She had hers. She didn’t really love me. I loved her. I thought. I never felt comfortable bringing up anything or telling her she hurt me. When I did, I got “whataboutisms” never self reflection. She would tell me all the time how I hurt her. I would try. Really I did. I tried to not hurt her, but it’s impossible when they get hurt by just anything that day. The way the wind blew on her and I caused it. She never could be told how I hurt her and if I did tell her, there was no self reflection or civil conversation how to make it better. There was only gears turning on I must be wrong and she’s going to make it all about her.
Someone told me tonight I need to let her go. The children can feel your hate. DAMMIT! I can’t. I have nothing to replace my hate with. Maybe I’ll go to the gym. Fucking throw some weight around. I need to do this. I can’t stand that she made me less than. She devalued and disrespected me. This is probably the worst thing a woman can do to a man besides shoot him in the face. I didn’t deserve most of it. She screamed at me and then when I screamed back it was “Oh look at you and your anger” How is that not manipulation? Clear and present danger. She was a clear and present danger in my life and she’s not going away.
I have to not point this out anymore. She’ll be my partner to help the children. I need to let it go.
What do I replace it with? Love? I don’t love her anymore. I love the girls. They need me to not dislike their mother.