I can’t sleep past 3am. It’s always 3am. What is the deal with 3???
I do three all the time. I tell jokes in threes. I send memes in threes. I send gifs in 3s.
I want this to be resolved. I don’t want it to be over. I need it to be resolved. Why am I so anxious?
The girls are here. I have to take them home in an hour. It’s 4:19am. I’ve been up since 3:01am. I just woke up. No reason. Nothing is bothering me. I have no quarrel with anyone.
I did some research. Not much you can research with no money anymore. Oh yeah, I need to stop running. I’ve run myself dry. It will come back.
I’ve been thinking too much. Sometimes not enough. I need to consider the future. Don’t post things to public that you don’t want the public to see. I think that’s what this is for. This is so public. Not cool, but this is so cool. I feel like this is a secret public journal. Only those that pay attention to the details will find it and care. If you’re here. Thank you. You’re special. You’ve paid attention to a detail most don’t.
Do you want to know me? I’m an open book.
It’s scary for some to do this. I’m not sure I’m completely at peace with it. I can’t believe what can be done in the world today. You can think you’re being wise and get fxcked pretty quickly.
Hey, I have something. Remember that woman that I thought was pretty cool. Well, turned out, she’s not. She went to the dark place. Don’t blame her. Darkness was all around her. She was feeling the world with her filter that was holding on to some dark stuff. I don’t wish her bad. I wish I could have helped, but she went to the dark place of bad intention. Because I didn’t change immediately or at least in her time, I was bad intentioned. Because I didn’t “sound the same” one time. Because I didn’t “care” one time. I was bad intentioned. I deserved what I got from her. I let my guard down way too fast. She scared the shit out of me pretty quickly the first time we met and I let her continue. I gave her one chance. Then she scared the shit out of me again. She continued. I didn’t block her, mainly because I’m not the kind to block someone who I’ve been super intimate with. I can’t let her trash me behind my back. But anyway. I pissed her off (in her own mind) and now she’s blocked me. That’s a great feeling. I laughed. All I said was the truth. She went to the dark place. I didn’t take her there. All I did was fall asleep at an inopportune time and not respond to her. That’s all I did. Seriously. That’s what started it. I did other things after that. I wasn’t mean or rude, but I told her what’s what. Pissed her off. I was called a narcissist. Funny how that word makes it back to me. Hey! Everyone! You can’t be empathetic and a narcissist at the same time. You can’t be coachable and a narcissist at the same time. You can’t be self reflective and a narcissist at the same time! FUCK! If you want to coach me. Please. I’m here for the long time. I love you long time. I will let you coach me. If I disagree, I’ll let you know.
One final thought
My biggest mentor called me. Told me something that pissed me off to no end. I believe it, but I’m going to get a second opinion.
As a man, you don’t get to be the victim.
Expand on that?
No. I don’t wanna. It’s just truth. The cold hard truth. Never the victim. If you become the victim, you did it to yourself. You let that happen. You take your beating. You take it with the good. You die on your white horse. You never fall off of it. Never the victim. Fuck this. I want to do that!