I often wonder if I am a good man. A high value man. I think I am, but there’s just things that hold me back. Is the fact that I’ve not accepted being rejected on the first mistake a sign that I’m a good man or is it a sign that I’m a bad man that I made the first mistake? I sounded different to one girl on the phone and she catastrophized from there. I thought I was flirting with another and said something a little too personal. She took it to mean I meant right now or something and just stopped talking. I even sent her flowers (a bad thing to do probably knowing now how long I had been talking with her) as an apology. Shit, time is blending together. I have no idea what day it is almost anymore. But that’s not the point.
How am I supposed to act? I’m lost. I used to have a home and a family and kids that I could play with almost any time I wanted. I took care of the house. I did things I thought would make my wife happy. I tried. Really I tried. But she rejected me. She saw my insecurities and my weakness and threw me away. She also worked in her own world to devalue and disrespect me and that’s what I never want to allow again. If a woman can’t value and respect me from the start. If she insults my behaviors and asks me to change them even if she’s asking me to change them for myself, I won’t accept that anymore. If a woman drops me at the slightest offense or takes what I say with bad intent, the sayonara. I’d rather talk to myself than ever talk to a woman that treats me this way. It’s not pride. It’s just I need to not ever argue with (be at odds with, have a non-peaceful discussion with) another woman for the rest of my life. If that means I’ll be alone. Then so be it.
I suppose I’ll just yell at the people leaving their dog’s shit in the grass in front of my apartment. Seems I may need a new outlet for my anger and prejudice.
I don’t think I’m a good man. I think I’m an excellent man that hasn’t found anyone outside of work or friendship that thinks the same. How can all my friendships work or otherwise be going so well, but my affection / closeness / romantic based relationships all fail. I’m 51 (almost 52) I’ve had close romantic relationships with only 3 women. I married 2 of them. I feel I’m a good partner, but I have no evidence to base it on. I seem to be picking the wrong women.
I’ve heard the solution to this is to BE the right person. I don’t know if I can do that either. I feel I’m almost the best I can be. That’s probably the saddest sentence I’ve ever written. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I like who I am. Writing. Thinking. Talking. Joking. Laughing. Focused on my projects. Doing what I can and within my control. I’ve tried to be better physically. I was so focused I couldn’t do it for a long amount of time.