Comedy is the one thing that’s always the same. It doesn’t change. It’s there and though the content changes, the laughs stay the same. It’s never bad. Well, it can be bad, but for 99% of comedy, it’s good. It can be depended upon.

Physical health, mental health, financial health, and spiritual leading and relationships, these are never consistent. If they are consistent, you’re the lucky one. You’re the 0.00005%, but comedy doesn’t change. And that’s why I like it. That’s why I try to force it and comedy can’t be forced. Dead pan comedy. That’s the best. Leaves you asking, was that a joke? Sarcasm, can be good, when done the right way to a willing participant. But sometimes it’s fun to show it to the unwilling. Not to be mean. Just be funny. The lines are sometimes difficult to see.

Comedy is timeless. We’ll still joke about the things we joked about as kids and that’s awesome. I don’t want to grow up and not be laughing at farts. I want to be a kid and enjoy the world with innocent eyes, but also with adult eyes that sees it for what it is. An beautiful place with evil. When you laugh at the evil. It goes away though. It’s imperative that I find a way to laugh at the evil.

Sleep is the first thing you learn after birth. You’re really good at it. You can sleep all the time. You can sleep so much. Cause you need it. You just made the longest journey of your life. From before you existed and the location you were, where ever that is, to here.

As an adult you unlearn how to sleep. And that’s one of the worst things about being an adult. The things that you unlearn. Of all the things you unlearn as an adult, sleep is the worst thing to go.

You also unlearn how to be joyful in all things. How to be humble and accept correction.

Every person that I’ve ever been hurt by has assumed they know how I’m feeling, they interpreted my actions, fed it through their own filter of life that includes their own experiences and feelings and it came out the other side as bad-intentioned or weak. They ran me down then they’d leave me. I think I’m healing, because now I’m leaving them. I think about them and wonder what I could have done different (nothing) and I’m still hurt, but in the end I DO NOT CARE about other people’s opinions of me! That’s not my responsibility!!! This is a huge lesson. It’s hard to even see how much you might care about other people’s feelings, but here’s a clue that’s so obvious you might feel stupid for not seeing it. You say to someone or yourself, “They are going to think this…” or “This is what they’re thinking … “

I used to think that’s an asshole thing to say. i.e. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Like you think you’re so awesome that you don’t care about other people’s opinions? How rude! Are you just aloof?? Do you just want to be an asshole and not care how you hurt anyone?? Well, they probably don’t. The people that say that … but

That is actually an asshole way of saying, “I’m humble.”

It’s humility really. You have to be humble to not try to change someone else’s filter. If someone’s filter changed your behavior or words into something that it wasn’t intended to be and they hurt you by misinterpretation and misalignment then let them. They don’t love you. They aren’t your friend nor enemy. They are another human that wants to not be hurt or wants to hurt other people for their hurt. They want to get in front of the hurt and stop it. Interpret it badly … maybe laugh about it … make fun of it … and then they might move on. Or they might keep coming back and telling you they love you, then do the same thing over and over again. That’s ok. That’s life.

Focus on yourself. Treat other’s how you want to be treated. Be kind. Don’t be an asshole.

BTW, I think this is why we have President Trump again. No one can change anyone else’s filter. Persuasion is useless.

The American dream is idealism. It’s exceptionalism. We’re pretty good, but we ain’t the best in the metrics that really matter. Education & healthcare being two of the most obvious. I don’t think that this is true that everyone wants to be mega rich, but it’s more true everyone wants to be self-sufficient and the opposite of that is seen as evil. You did it to yourself if you’re not self-sufficient. Come on! That’s not true. If it is true, then I have known a lot of people on drugs that had a great childhood full of love and empathy and they got all their needs met by their parents. I’ve seen disabled people fly away from the circumstances they find themselves in. I’ve never seen adults living with their parents because they can’t afford to live on their own. I’ve never seen a slum or a street full of boxes and made up shelters.

The following is the truth. I’ve never seen anyone get all that they deserve or deserve all they get. Good or bad. Or at least that’s a behind the scenes principle I feel is present.

If you deserve all the prosperity and wealth that comes to you and it’s God ordained, then it must be true that those that get all the poverty and desperation deserve it and it’s God ordained. This is a false dichotomy to prove a point. No one deserves all that they get.

edit: living with your parents isn’t bad, there are other reasons to stay with your first support other than money.

America assumes if you need help from the government, then you did it to yourself. You are undeserving of empathy and you deserve the bad things that are coming to you. Everyone is assumed to be taking advantage and the public trust must be guarded at all costs. Making the regulations on the poor almost insurmountable and making assistance hard to find. People are kicked out of the hospital because they don’t have insurance! How is the public trust being served by greed and guarded pessimism?

I’d rather a hundred people be helped that don’t need it and one person that truly does than the opposite of that. A hundred people taking advantage and only one person truly needs it. The American attitude is all these strong men are carrying the weak and undeserving and IT’S HAS TO STOP! The strong rich men are being taking advantage! Do I need to point out sarcasm?

You see this in the prosperity gospel. God gives good things to those he loves. You’re not rich or healthy? God doesn’t love you or God is going to completely heal you. This is bull shit. I’m done.

No, I guess I’m not … AND if you’re good you deserve to go to heaven more than those that were bad (i.e. not self-sufficient). Everyone says stuff in jest of well, I’m going to heaven because I did this thing or I’m going to hell because I’m a bad bad person with bad bad thoughts and I made a joke about dead babies and I’m going to hell. Anyway, this thought isn’t true i.e. We earn our way to heaven, but we all deserve hell. That’s what the Bible says (Romans 6:23 & 3:23) and now I’m wondering if that makes sense to me anymore. If I understand it. Is that saying we all deserve eternal punishment or just that just that we’ve all sinned?

I’ve felt that this attitude is on full display most in people that believe in the One that paid the price. It’s subtle. They voted for the prosperity gospel and now we have a demagogue president AGAIN. We deserve what we vote for. It’s true because every Trump voter in the end, the last argument given is, “well, I was richer/better off under Trump.” and that trumps everything. Pun intended. Can’t argue with that. Mainly because I don’t know your circumstance. But does you being richer mean a better society as a whole? We all want to be self-sufficient, but a “self-sufficient is best” attitude has led to a poor society.

The following is a sentence I like, but I don’t know where it goes in this messy essay … You also can see it with the statements to public servants (police and fire) when some butthole says “my taxes pay your salary.” Give me a break. Is it yours or is it public?

Have you ever felt alone and cried because you had no one to share with or talk to? Yet you know that’s not true. You have plenty of people that love you, but none to speak to about this one silly hurt or awesome accomplishment?

I live far away from family. I am in a city that I love to live in, but for that and for fate, I moved here. I returned here once after I left. I knew it was home. So much so that I didn’t even have a plan when moving back here. I just came back and hoped for the best. I didn’t have a great job or something I could hang on confidence on as a career. That would come over a year later. But, the point is, I live far away from my greatest support. The people that been in my life since I was born. My family.

There’s been so many times when I’ve had a bad or a good day that I would love to just go have dinner with my mom or just go watch a football game with my brother. Stay late and talk or just play on phones and not talk. It’s the comfort of being around my closest allies. That’s what I’ve given up by living here.

I had it at here one point. It was a surrogate family, but I loved them just as much as my own. I lost them though. They were my ex-wives family. I can still go ask for help if I need it, but I’m not going to share much of myself with them any longer. There’s a few that I will share myself with, but not like before and not in any way like my own family. They aren’t going to call me and see how I’m doing either. Which is rough. I was told “I’m not taking sides” by the patriarch. Well, that may be true, but she’s the one that’s going to stay with you for the rest of your life. She’s not staying with me for the rest of hers like she promised. That’s ok. She made the right decision. I’m glad she pulled the trigger on the divorce. I never would have and I would have stayed for the rest of my life accepting bread crumbs and never acknowledging I was being abused and ignored.

Yesterday I screamed and cried and had the worst day I’ve had in a long time. And all I wanted was to go be around family. But I had no one to turn to except on the phone and that’s not what I wanted at all but that’s all I could have. Funny that this day followed one of the best days ever. One where I was gregarious and funny. One where I got to do what I wanted then after I did that, I got to give more that expected. I got a lot of validation. I was doing good and then my battery started running low. My social battery and that’s when the bad things started happening.

I had three conversations in the evening the day before yesterday. After the great day that turned into yesterday, the bad day. There were 2 on text and 1 on text and phone call. The first may not be all that bad. I just told her that my social battery was low and I needed to be left alone, but I said it in the meanest fake mean way possible. I just said something like I wish I could tell you to go away. She understood. I apologized, I think, for being harsh. But then after I ended that conversation, I continued to two others. Like what the hell Chad???

The second ended when I said something dumb that crossed her boundary while trying to flirt. Not sure if she’ll talk to me again. I’ll give her space.

The third was the worst and I’m not even going to talk about it. It lasted all night though and I didn’t sleep but two hours. I will never speak to this person and other’s around her after yesterday. They weren’t what should be present in my life.

If I would have had strength and wisdom, I would have had the courage to stop talking to the last one. I knew that I was low on energy and talking to her wasn’t the most important thing I should have been doing. Sleeping is what I should have chosen. The conversation affected a lot of things. My mom. I no longer am getting a cat. The person I was talking to was going to give me one of her cats. My daughters will be disappointed. So it affected them too. It affected friends of hers. I guess. I don’t know what they did or said. But they talked about me at least for a little while and that was affect. That was a consequence.

I’m just getting started I guess when my social battery is low. I hope I learn from this.

“Let people be wrong about you” is an idea that suggests allowing others to have their own opinions and perceptions about you, and not wasting energy trying to change them. It can be easier said than done, but it can lead to greater humility and respect for others. 

Here are some benefits of letting people be wrong about you:

• Humility It’s important to remember that our value isn’t based on how right we are in any given situation. 
• Respect You can model modesty and openness, which can be more impactful than trying to prove people wrong. 
• Peace of mind You can free up energy that was previously spent trying to get others to know you. 

I’ve been being assigned bad intent for a while now. It’s getting to be a pattern. An clear and awful pattern.

I was assigned bad intent in my marriage. I forgot to bring some stuff home. She fought me in the driveway and said the most vile things to me. Chased me away from the house as I tried to get away from her. Called her parents over like I was beating her. I wasn’t. I was just trying to get away, but apparently I was leaving her alone with the children and that was the most cruel and unimaginable thing a man could do. Indifferent Meh. She left me alone with them. She was alone with them all the time, but this time, this was the one time that I couldn’t leave her alone. I don’t get this. Later, she told me in the most sweet voice, “if you ever get angry with me, please don’t leave.” Well, sweetheart, you don’t have the ability to control my response to you. I will do what I have to do to protect myself. Getting away from you was the most logical thing to do when I’m attacked. If I stayed, she would have followed me where ever went in the house. Reality doesn’t matter to the attacker.

I cleaned the house, but I left the cleaning supplies in an unobstructed location in order to show off that I’m cleaning. I wasn’t leaving them on the stairs to carry up the stairs when I went to clean in that location. This was reality. Reality doesn’t matter to someone that wants devalue effort.

My daughter was upset that I left when mommy and daddy got in a fight in the driveway. Mommy was raging. She called me. I asked her if a prayer would help her feel better. She said yes. But this was twisted into I forced my daughter to pray. Not that I wanted to comfort my daughter in her time of trouble the best I knew how by turning to the one entity that comforts the entire universe. The creator. God. Reality doesn’t matter to the manipulative.

Some time later. Met a nice lady. Had a month of nice caring times together. I came home from seeing her 3 hours away. Was exhausted. Fell asleep. Didn’t answer her for a few hours. I was the most uncaring and narcissistic man on the planet. All kinds of bad things were assigned to me then. I didn’t see her. I didn’t care for her. I was sounding different. I was evil and just an awful person. Reality doesn’t matter to the person avoiding accountability.

Had a nice talk with an old friend all night long. She was having difficulties. We playfully fought back and forth. We called each other names and laughed. We stayed up all night. I slept 2 hours though. She didn’t sleep and she drank all night. I didn’t trust her judgement and did something that she felt I went behind her back. I was then harangued by many women and ignored and not given any chance to defend myself. I could be being run down by them for weeks or months now or I could be being ignored and not considered in the least. Nevertheless, doesn’t matter. I’m going to let that go and let them be wrong. I’m not in charge of someone else’s opinion of me. I did what I thought was right. I wasn’t weak. I was strong. You want to call me weak when I’m strong. That’s a you problem. Not a me problem. Reality doesn’t matter to those that want to do what they want to do and not be bothered by others.

I just want to protect my peace. I’ll do that. I’ll write about this and move on. I’ll talk to people that don’t do this. That don’t assign bad intent for what ever motive they want to destroy. This is what they do. People that assign bad intent have the least powerful superpower ever. They think they can read minds and know motives, but they just feel what they’re feeling inside themselves. It’s a form of projection. And it’s evil. It’s greed and selfishness on a small scale.

I hope I never do this to anyone. If I do, I hope I’m self aware enough to look inside me for my motives in doing it. Just be authentic. If someone is wrong about you, let them be wrong. It’s not my responsibility to make sure everyone knows who I am. I only want to share myself with those that want to know me and these people don’t want to know me. They want the world to be like them. Everyone has the same thoughts as them and opinions and they are the ones that are always right. It’s greed and selfishness on a large scale.

Often I find myself concerned about, reading about, learning about things I have no control over. Why? It’s easier. It’s easier to think about the things you don’t control as opposed to the things you do. If you think about what you do control, what you can change, it requires work. It requires action. I can’t concentrate on say “losing weight” without actually doing the work. It would be like sitting in a chair watching men run on a field and hit each other while drinking and eating bad things. Oh wait, I do that too.

I often frame the thing I don’t control in a personal manner. The thing I don’t control is hurting me emotionally because there’s people in my life following that path. I don’t want to watch them go down that path. So, I try to persuade. I try to rationalize. I argue and make a fuss over things I don’t control. I read about the ridiculous things that are happening and focus on “how can anyone believe this is an effective direction?” and I argue against it.

I’ve been hurt a lot by these arguments. Told I’m trying to force them into my way of thinking. Told I don’t love them as much as I hate whatever it is that I’m trying to direct against.

That’s not true. I think love means you care about someone enough to tell them when it’s a difficult path they are taking. You’re not indifferent. You want alignment. You want courage to stand up alone.

The political climate in the US is so bad right now. We’ve just elected a demagogue to be president AGAIN! This man is such a moron and his followers or at least his voters don’t see the evil he is. Some people were indifferent about him. Some believed his bullshit. It’s not surprising. Since Reagan came along people have been enticed by the “conservative.” That it’s the better way. They think allowing all the “lefties” to get their way means anarchy and they judge like they are God. Like they think God wants them more than anyone else. I’m not saying who is right, but I can definitely say, what someone else does with their own body in their own life, not anyone else’s business.

Until you start killing people and affecting their lives, taking away care, refusing to help when the sick have given you so much. People are dying from lack of care. The CEO of United Health put in an AI system with a 90% error rate. He denied the thing that his company was supposed to provide. Health Care and he denied it for profit. No one deserves that kind of treatment from a company and that’s what this man did. HE led it. The only way to fight this kind of evil is with death. That’s just a simple truth. But then the United States thinks no one deserves to die. Unless you can’t pay for life. Then you deserve to die.

I don’t like what’s happening in the US right now. A CEO of a health care company was murdered. This murder has gained so much attention. If I was murdered and the killer just walked away. Randomly. No trace. That’s it. Why does this man get all the attention? Money. He had a lot of money. Did he deserve more money than most everyone else? He probably worked real hard, had a lot of advantages growing up, made some fortunate decisions, but in the end no one really deserves all that comes to them. Good or bad. I’m turning into a nihilist. I feel nothing. Nothing matters.

Anyway. I don’t control this. I find it fascinating.

Gun violence in response to a for-profit health care system that’s killing people is the most Amurican thing ever.

Did you know the show FRIENDS original names were “Friends Like Us” and “Six of One” and “Insomnia Cafe?” I’m glad it got the iconic name FRIENDS. It fits. It’s the best show about Friends. Other’s have come along and replicated it. New girl in particular, but New Girl was very uniquely different than FRIENDS. It was a single cam no audience or laugh track. The Big Bang Theory. Totally a friends rip off with science.

I’ve dreamed of having friends that live right across the hall. It was that way in college. That’s how I wish it could be still. You’d just go across the hall to see your friends and you could even find a lover. That’s such a idealistic American dream thing.

When I was young, I didn’t know what I wanted, but I know I wanted security. I wanted to be in the “best” group. I was in the best group for a while. It felt great. I wasn’t a huge contributor to being the best, but it was wonderful to be part of a group that other’s admired. We were one of the best. I thought. I was part of a family that was one of the best. I had friends that were the best. I wasn’t the best, but being a part of them made me feel like the best.

The TV Show FRIENDS was one of the best. It has held on as timeless for 20 years after it ended. It ended in May 2004. I remember because that was a significant time of change in my life.

I don’t want to fight for anyone to stay in touch. To stay in my life. I am enjoying a great group of friends right now that I’ve not had in years. It took me getting out of a marriage that was keeping me in constant anxiety that I had to prove my worth to see that I do have value and I don’t need to be married to know that I’m important and one of the best. I can do things on my own. I can do things and have traditions with wonderful friends. I have two amazing daughters that will eventually have their own friends and life and I look forward to guiding them into it. I hope I’m doing a good job now. Though it is tough.

If you have been my friend and we talk or you receive a personal message from me in a text message or Facebook comment or Facebook message, know that I consider you a friend. I consider you one of the best. You are in my group. My circle. You have no need to prove your worth. You have proved it in just your ability to not ignore. To not destroy. To not cause harm with words of “I don’t do that” or “Do what you want.” You are the amazing best of the best. I haven’t searched all over the world for you. You were brought to me by something greater than both of us.

I’m not sure what to think about being ignored.

I’ve been ignored by a lot of people. There’s only a few that don’t ignore. If you are one of them, thank you.

I know everyone is busy, but sometimes being ignored by those that should be close is the worst. Why doesn’t my family answer me all the time? I assume I’ve done something wrong. I assume I must have. I guess. What’s to say the cause. It still hurts when I don’t hear anything back and the message gets buried. I scroll down the messages and see their name. Three weeks ago. I sent a “hello” or a funny something and got nothing back.

But there’s a principle. The way someone treats you is a reflection on them, not you.

One lady I met recently is totally ignoring me. She’s a neighbor. Saw her a couple days ago in passing on the sidewalk. She said hi. I said hi back and again said I was sorry that she wasn’t talking to me. I realize that’s not the right attitude, but that’s what I said. She just turned and walked in her apartment and closed the door.

I don’t blame her for shutting me out. She also said some shit that pissed me off to no end. I don’t know who threw the first stone. I think she was just conflicted and I called her out. Then I went too far by saying she can learn from me or continue to sit in her empty apartment and give strange men blow jobs like she has been. Yeah, that was probably too far.

I’ll accept the coldness from her. I deserve it.

I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.

Do you want to know a secret? Women. I don’t get you. I’ve had three major girlfriends in my life. I’ve had two wives. The first woman, I was just engaged.

All of them, used me. Two of them accept no responsibility for the demise of our relationship.

I used them too, but their use was pretty blatantly selfish. They got what they wanted from me. They gave only what they could. They didn’t have a servant heart.

All of them can’t be persuaded or find reason.

They all say I’m the problem. I know! So, whatever. I’ll work on other things.

Genesis 2:18

¹⁸ The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

I tried to be a helper too. I did so much. Except for the first one when I was young and scared and had little to no resources or vision of the future. I didn’t do much for her. But I worked my ass off for the other two. I received little value from that work. It did not make them like me more.

I also have the fine experience of a month long relationship that keeps emailing me and telling me what a horrible person I am. So, that’s fun.

Women work from a perspective of how do they make me feel. How does he make them feel?

It could be sexual. It could be financially safe and morally safe and whatever. It’s late and I’m hungry.

Women. I don’t get you. I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life wandering and alone. With the exception of the two women that are my daughters. I will try to lead them as best I can.