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  • Community

    This is why we can’t have nice things. We don’t live like this. Do you know your neighbors? Can you say hi? What would happen if you had to live with your family? Would fights erupt? Yes. I’m the worst to live with.

    I’ve been saying something stupid. The native Americans were treated so badly, yet they wouldn’t have built this great nation. (I actually cringed at the adjective. Almost left it out)

    We’re a great nation, but we have problems. We’ve elected a demagogue. We make people choose between life and death over money. We fight wars in far off lands and say it’s for OUR freedom. We think we are the best. No wise person ever thinks they are the best. Just the same for a nation.

    This is written by Chief Dan George,

    In the course of my lifetime I have lived in two distinct cultures. I was born into a culture that lived in communal houses. My grandfather’s house was eighty feet long. It was called a smoke house, and it stood down by the beach along the inlet. All my grandfather’s sons and their families lived in this dwelling. Their sleeping apartments were separated by blankets made of bull rush weeds, but one open fire in the middle served the cooking needs of all. In houses like these, throughout the tribe, people learned to live with one another; learned to respect the rights of one another. And children shared the thoughts of the adult world and found themselves surrounded by aunts and uncles and cousins who loved them and did not threaten them. My father was born in such a house and learned from infancy how to love people and be at home with them.

    And beyond this acceptance of one another there was a deep respect for everything in nature that surrounded them. My father loved the earth and all its creatures. The earth was his second mother. The earth and everything it contained was a gift from See-see-am…and the way to thank this great spirit was to use his gifts with respect.

    I remember, as a little boy, fishing with him up Indian River and I can still see him as the sun rose above the mountain top in the early morning…I can see him standing by the water’s edge with his arms raised above his head while he softly moaned…”Thank you, thank you.” It left a deep impression on my young mind.

    And I shall never forget his disappointment when once he caught me gaffing for fish “just for the fun of it.” “My son” he said, “The Great Spirit gave you those fish to be your brothers, to feed you when you are hungry. You must respect them. You must not kill them just for the fun of it.”

    This then was the culture I was born into and for some years the only one I really knew or tasted. This is why I find it hard to accept many of the things I see around me.

    I see people living in smoke houses hundreds of times bigger than the one I knew. But the people in one apartment do not even know the people in the next and care less about them.

    It is also difficult for me to understand the deep hate that exists among people. It is hard to understand a culture that justifies the killing of millions in past wars, and it at this very moment preparing bombs to kill even greater numbers. It is hard for me to understand a culture that spends more on wars and weapons to kill, than it does on education and welfare to help and develop.

    It is hard for me to understand a culture that not only hates and fights his brothers but even attacks nature and abuses her.

    I see my white brothers going about blotting out nature from his cities. I see him strip the hills bare, leaving ugly wounds on the face of mountains. I see him tearing things from the bosom of mother earth as though she were a monster, who refused to share her treasures with him. I see him throw poison in the waters, indifferent to the life he kills there; and he chokes the air with deadly fumes.

    My white brother does many things well for he is more clever than my people but I wonder if he has ever really learned to love at all. Perhaps he only loves the things that are outside and beyond him. And this is, of course, not love at all, for man must love all creation or he will love none of it. Man must love fully or he will become the lowest of the animals. It is the power to love that makes him the greatest of them all…for he alone of all animals is capable of love.

    Love is something you and I must have. We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it. We must have it because without it we become weak and faint. Without love our self esteem weakens. Without it our courage fails. Without love we can no longer look out confidently at the world. Instead we turn inwardly and begin to feed upon our own personalities and little by little we destroy ourselves.

    You and I need the strength and joy that comes from knowing that we are loved. With it we are creative. With it we march tirelessly. With it, and with it alone, we are able to sacrifice for others.

    There have been times when we all wanted so desperately to feel a reassuring hand upon us…there have been lonely times when we so wanted a strong arm around us…I cannot tell you how deeply I miss my wife’s presence when I return from a trip. Her love was my greatest joy, my strength, my greatest blessing.

    I am afraid my culture has little to offer yours. But my culture did prize friendship and companionship. It did not look on privacy as a thing to be clung to, for privacy builds walls and walls promote distrust. My culture lived in a big family community, and from infancy people learned to live with others.

    My culture did not prize the hoarding of private possessions, in fact, to hoard was a shameful thing to do among my people. The Indian looked on all things in nature as belonging to him and he expected to share them with others and to take only what he needed.

    Everyone likes to give as well as receive. No one wishes only to receive all the time. We have taken something from your culture…I wish you had taken something from our culture…for there were some beautiful and good things in it.

    Soon it will be too late to know my culture, for integration is upon us and soon we will have no values but yours. Already many of our young people have forgotten the old ways. And many have been shamed of their Indian ways by scorn and ridicule. My culture is like a wounded deer that has crawled away into the forest to bleed and die alone.

    The only thing that can truly help us is genuine love. You must truly love, be patient with us and share with us. And we must love you—with a genuine love that forgives and forgets…a love that gives the terrible sufferings your culture brought ours when it swept over us like a wave crashing along a beach…with a love that forgets and lifts up its head and sees in your eyes an answering love of trust and acceptance.

    This is brotherhood…anything less is not worthy of the name.

    I have spoken

  • Blog / Writer idols

    Mike Birbiglia (my secret public journal)

    The lockergnome

    Dave Barry

    This is a thought for a post. This is not a post. This will be completed at a later date. I think. Maybe. I promise. There’s more idols to list also.

  • Grumpy Old Men

    Draft … Three movies about grumpy old men

    1 Grumpy Old Men

    2 12 Angry Men

    3 Slingblade

    I’m turning into a grumpy old man. I insult, but it’s not always meant as angry. Usually it’s a call to action for the person. But I’m not a saint either.

  • narcissism

    If you or a loved one can not be challenged without throwing insult or blaming the other person then, please get help.

    If you have ever told a loved one their genuine feelings are bullshit. If you have ever said to a loved one their facebook post for your birthday was fake, if you have ever gaslit someone this bad, please get some help.

    If you or a loved one has ever yelled at another human for doing something because it was wrong in your head or they didn’t do something you were thinking i.e. they didn’t read your mind, please get help.

    If you or a loved one assigns negative intent AT ANY TIME TO ANYONE, please get help.

    If you or a loved one finds that you get your way by ignoring other people, if you find that’s a good way to show someone you don’t care about them, please get some help.

    If someone has ever told you or a loved one that you scare the shit out of them, please get some help.

    If you ever accused a loved one of cheating. When in fact it was you that was cheating. Do whatever you want.

    If you or a loved one have ever told a child (your child) they hurt your feelings when they were upset with you, if you made that claim as if the child’s feelings were less important than yours, please get some help.

    If you have ever told a loved one that prayed with the child you have together that they forced the child to pray when the child was upset, please, I’m begging you, please see what you’re doing.

    If you have ever disappeared in the middle of the night, turned off your phone, didn’t tell anyone that you needed time alone, and when you came back, you find your loved ones scared to death, if you have done this and afterwards, blamed the loved one, said they did the same things to you, if you were also backed up by your family in this matter, if your family yelled at your loved one because of something they made up in their head, if this at all sounds familiar to you, then PLEASE GET SOME GD HELP! We need you to be better. You’re not your best. You’re not as good as you put out into the real world. You don’t do everything. You’re a good person. You need help.

    If you have ever been hit because you forgot something. A small detail. A big detail. Doesn’t matter. If you have been hit in anger by someone you love. Please consider me your ally.

    This is my last attempt at helping this person understand what they are doing. Their wake is really big, but they act small and petty behind closed doors. The doors need to be opened. Please don’t call me and tell me to stop. I’ll stop. After this. Public image is all I have at this point to help them understand. If this isn’t eye opening. I give up and will continue try to work with this person. I’ll work with them no matter what. I’ll figure out how to be. I’m not the bigger person. I’m just someone trying to do what’s right. I don’t know what’s right anymore.

    if you say, I was the abuser. This is what you experienced. You experienced my reaction after years of abuse. You experienced me finally saying “QUIT POKING ME!” after you poked me for years.

    https://www.tiktok.com/@valjonescoaching/video/7435052539676036407

    I’m so sick of banging up against principle and fighting for change in myself and in those that affect me and who I love more than anything. If the offender changes. Great! If they remain blind. I’ll deal. But I can’t keep living like this. Being insulted and disrespected. While at the same time being demanded to respect them and being belittled when I speak up. This isn’t how “Treat others the way you’d like to be treated” works. This is protecting. Myself. And who I love more than anything. I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried the courts. This is all I have left. You are the block. Human to whom this is addressed. You are a good person. An excellent person. But you’ve made it your goal to take and take from me and those I love. You take emotional wellbeing. You take confidence. You take love and return little. This is not hate. This is love for whoever needs it.

  • Alcoholism

    Unfinished thought.

    I have struggled with drinking. I like it. I don’t like it.

    I don’t have to do it. I do it to relax. I never drink to the point of passing out. Anymore. I used to, but that’s another story.

    I’d love to write more. I will.

  • The Permanence of Bad Behavior / Mistakes / Standing up for yourself / Calling out Stupid

    I’ve experienced a lot of pissing people off lately. I shouldn’t care. I do care. Maybe I should care more. I don’t know. I’ve pissed off a neighbor. Called their beliefs stupid. Told them they could learn from me or continue to sit in their empty apartment and blow dudes. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t like this version of myself. I love it too.

    I have experienced being such an asshole, I get blocked.

    I have experienced being close to someone who so rubs me the wrong way I feel it necessary to insult them to their face.

    Why can’t I just focus on what I can control? Why am I so concerned with misalignment? Why??

    It’s only hurting me.

    I’m not being apologized to. None of my words make any difference. I don’t need apology. I just need to be left alone. I’m only going to hurt you if you get close to me. If you cross my boundary. If you take your beliefs and try to explain them and I’m so against you that I call you dumb. That’s my go to. That’s my only move. I don’t have the cerebral power at that moment to try to find fact. The only fact is you’re dumb, illogical, & wrong.

    I’m sorry. You deserve to feel how you feel. You do not deserve to make anyone else feel bad for their beliefs. (Talking to myself).

    Funny though. Nothing ever changed with subjectivity. Jesus didn’t say, “Well, believe what you want to believe. It’s ok.”

    Kennedy didn’t say “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask maybe if you want to, do something for your country when you feel like it.”

    FDR didn’t say “The only thing we have left to fear is everything that’s scary!”

    Lincoln didn’t say “It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us, that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion, that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. If that’s alright with you.”

    Exit sidebar…

    It’s permanent. There’s no getting back into someone’s life when I do this. They have to be forgiving. I do this to unforgiving people exclusively. I’d be thoroughly surprised if anyone ever came back to me after what I’ve done.

    Actually. A couple have come back. We don’t discuss triggers anymore. I don’t like this solution. I tried to listen to them, but in the end the discernment between levels of evil was enough for me to say, I don’t want to talk about it. The couple that forgave are still with me. In fact, they are more important to me now than they were before. I see they fight. They feel. They aren’t bad people. I never thought they were. I feel the thing is mostly not their fault despite how they’ve believed conspiracy.

    January 6th wasn’t infiltrated with people against the fight (i.e. “lefties”) to make the “peaceful” side look bad. That is on the level of conspiracy that would rival the following scenario.

    Everyone is watching the Rodney King trial in 1992.

    The not guilty verdict is called.

    People who believe the police were innocent, take to the streets. They scream and yell and set things on fire. They cause chaos! Remember, these are the people that got what they wanted. They make LA look like a war zone. Why? Because they want the “other side” to look bad.

  • Vietnam Veteran

    I ran into a man whom I admired immediately yesterday

    I was getting a haircut at the Great Clips next to the Twin Peaks I like to frequent for my Friday off work routine. It wasn’t my Friday off. It was Veteran’s Day! Free haircuts. Free cheeseburgers. No free beer. Beer isn’t free. At least, right now, but when all us “lefties” take over, everything will be free and only the strongest men will be the ones to pay for everything! The men that we’re riding the backs of right now! Anyway. That’s another story about imagined things that don’t come true.

    We’re here to talk about imagined things that do come true.

    This man spoke about his life. Telling stories of medals. He has a purple heart. How that day was the worst in his life. He spoke of fighting nazis.

    Ok. Is there anything going on today that resembles what was happening then? I asked.

    Well, I see the violence from the left!

    No other violence?

    Not really, I didn’t know what I was going to do if that black woman was elected.

    Ok, sir, I believe you have a lot of truth. (sarcasm) I appreciate you. I’ll leave you alone.

    I just wanted to get away from him at that moment. Shit! What the hell is wrong with these people!?

    And I walked away. Flabbergasted.

    I met up with him again in Great Clips. We talked some more. I asked if the attack on the Capitol was violence that he recognized. January 6th???

    They didn’t attack the Capitol. He said.

    Ok. Sir, if we can’t agree on things that we both see with our own eyes. The evidence is clearly an attack.

    I left at that. Going to hide in a hole for a while.

    C

  • Love and Hate … and indifference.

    The sermon yesterday was good. The parts that I heard. T, the preacher who I’ve known for years and hey I’m happy about that fact, did some fun voices for an analogy.

    A farmer was out working. A man drove up and asked him.

    I want to move here. What kind of people live around here?

    Fun voice by T for the farmer’s voice.

    Well, what kind of people are where you come from?

    The most vile of people. They hate what they don’t know or understand. They argue over trivial matters. They are mean. They are hateful. I do not like them.

    The farmer said, “well, that’s the same kind of people you’re going to find here.”

    The man went on his way.

    A second man approached the farmer.

    Sir, I’d like to move here. What kind of people will I find?

    The funny voice again, “Well, son, what kind of people are where you came from?”

    The best. They forgive. They look to the greater good. They find no fault. They are kind and patient.

    Well, the farmer said, that’s the same kind of people you’re going to find here.

    A simple lesson in perspective.

    And how people are crazy! What??? You can’t be hateful and loving at the SAME TIME! Oh yes you can. Here’s why…

    He then went on to talk about love and hate and God and how can a loving God hate. I don’t remember the details. I may have rested my eyes. Went somewhere else.

    If you want to know the truth. Here it is.

    Love and hate are the same thing. Love is not the opposite of hate. Hate is not the opposite of love.

    Indifference. Indifference is the opposite of Love and Hate.

    Hate and Love are the same thing. They are energy at the things you like and you dislike.

    Indifference is neither.

    God doesn’t love any less than He hates. And He doesn’t hate any less than He loves.

    We can hate and love at the same time!!

    But you can’t not care about something and love it. You can’t not care about something and hate it. At the same time.

    I currently smoke. I want to quit. I need to quit. I started because it was a familiar from a time in the past. I placed it here in the present because all my familiar was washing away. I didn’t know it at the time. It was too scary to face. I’m still traumatized by losing all that I lost.

    I smoke, because I hate. I hate myself. I hate the world. I don’t want to feel anything other than cold smoke in my lungs. I want it to envelop me. And it will eventually kill me if I continue. That is what I hate, but I say I hate it and that’s not true. I’m indifferent right now. I don’t care. I can’t hate it also. This makes sense. I need to see it for what it is and stop being indifferent. I’ll cough a lot less and almost puke none of the time.

    Peace.

  • F You. I got mine. or. I’ve been screwed. Now, I’m doing the screwing.

    Got into a “discussion” about Trump. I didn’t want to. This guy pushed me. He will probably see this message. Know that you’re my friend. Guy who this is about. This isn’t your fault. Your beliefs are fine. For you. For now. But we’re aren’t going anywhere as a society as a nation until people like you, change. You aren’t really going to benefit from your beliefs in the long run.

    A man I know and appreciate told me he was voting for Trump. Party lines. He said he hated Trump. But he was voting for the lesser of two evils. The party was making the decision for him.

    I didn’t argue with him then. I respected it. I really did. I want you. To want me. Uhh. I mean I want you to make your own decisions. Even if you take that decision to the floor and vote with your group. Your tribe. Your party.

    Anyway. We got into it last night. He started with, “In 2021, I was mocked by the opposite side. They laughed at me! They were awful people. And I didn’t fight them. And now I’m not doing the same to them, when they lost. I didn’t tell them how to vote. They aren’t telling me how to vote. If I respect you. You respect me. I don’t care. I’ll be richer under Trump.”

    This was the argument. He felt validated. I agreed. I was very much on his side. I hate that assholes are assholes no matter what side of history they are on. I pointed at him and scolded i.e. was a little more stern, “So, it’s all about you and fuck everyone else?” Yep.

    BUT THEN, I tried to pull the creme de la creme of scary ass arguments out of my sheath.

    I said, this is the truth. Nazis are on your side! White supremacists are on your side! Christian Nationalist are on your side! something something THIS SHOULD BE A RED FLAG TO YOU!

    He didn’t care. Indifference.

    Ok. I get it. Let’s come at this another way.

    I know people of all feeling. They love who they love. They feel they are who they feel they are and that is no less truth than you feeling who you are, it doesn’t matter that you feel you are who you were born to be! That’s not an important thing to point out.

    LGBTQ youths are sitting on hold to suicide hotlines because they are scared and want to die because the side you are on has them terrified! You are causing trauma.

    This man. Said. If you kill yourself, that’s your decision.

    Please make this stop, God. Let me off this planet. I will stay for as long as you want me too, Lord. Please help these people with no love. Who have been mocked and screwed over so much, they no longer value anything. They are nihilists without the peeing on rugs part.

    Oh, wait, the nihilists didn’t pee on the rug in “The Big Lebowski” Anyway. Let’s not worry about those details.

  • Women and Me…n

    I thought older women would be a little more fun. I thought they wouldn’t ignore when angry or hurt. Or jump to conclusions when insecure. Or take the fact that I breath heavily as a threat. I thought they might communicate a little better or I’d be able to communicate better also. And finally, assign bad intent to all behaviors. Or at least most when they fell vulnerable or taken advantage of. This is the worst off all. Being ignored is second. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position to try to get her attention, but being ignored instead.

    Anyway. nope. None of this is true. They still ignore, assign bad intent, and jump to conclusions. view me as a threat. It’s not me. but …

    It’s me. I know I’m the problem. I can see now that it must be me. I don’t live where all women all like this. So, it must be me. I’ll be over here in my corner, ladies. Don’t want to fight you anymore. You’re goood over there in your corner. Don’t need my permission to stay there, but you have my blessing. I’ve realized I’m worse than the bear. I’ll learn from it.

    https://www.alignmaguo.com/…/4h09t133hfqtn3ih5v5tv5ewed….